This is the lowest I’ve ever been in my whole entire 24 years of life. I talked to no one, I didn’t want them to know. Nobody needed to see me like this. I wouldn’t even want to look at myself if I were anyone. I was weak.. Humiliated. Torn. Broken. Numb. I more or so dumbstruck as to how you give your all to someone and they throw it in your face like you don’t mean shit to them. You live for this person, open yourself up to them only to know you don’t mean a goddamn thing to them. You allow your vulnerability to oversee the person who they really are. I blame myself. I fucking blame myself for putting him and his basketball career first. I blame myself for being his backbone. I blame myself for thinking I was the only fucking thing in his life that was actually significant to him.
I glanced down at the engagement ring I still had on my finger. I couldn’t help but think to myself that this was supposed to mean something… This ring was bout worthless as a minuscule piece of rat shit.
“Cree? Cree baby?” I heard the loud banging on the door. “Cree open the door..”
I rolled my eyes and pushed myself from my bed. The closer I got to the door, the louder the banging became. I opened the door to Serenity, Layla, and Kamiyah saddened faces.
“Hi guys..” I hoarsely spoke.
“Cree.. baby girl. We came over as soon as we heard.” Kamiyah immediately pulled me into one of her mother embraces.
“I’m fine.” I hugged her trying to hold back the tears. “I promise I am..”
It wasn’t until Layla and Serenity joined in until I realized I was sobbing heavily.
“It’s okay, Cree. He’s fucking stupid for letting you go.” Serenity shook her head.
I pulled out of their arms sniffing lightly. “I didn’t want you guys to see me like this..”
“Girl please, we’re your friends. We’re supposed to see you like this which is why we brought you wine. Wine always mends a broken heart.” Serenity placed the bottles on the counter wasting no time in pouring us all a glass.
“How do you feel?” Kamiyah rubbed my shoulder gently. “I’ve never seen you like this.”
I lightly shrugged my shoulder, “Like a damn fool honestly.” I grabbed my glass from Serenity then we all took a seat on the couch.
“How did you find out about them?” Layla asked.
“When I seen her in my bed cozy in my robe.” I wiped my face.
“He had that bitch in your robe?” Serenity twisted up her face in disgust. “Did you stab him? Did you stab that bitch?”
“Serenity.” Kamiyah glared at her.
“What?” Serenity rolled her eyes,” He had a bitch not only in her bed but in her fucking robe. We shouldn’t be here drinking wine we should be out popping his goddamn tires and whooping her ass. You wanna go do that, Cree?”
“I did that.” I mumbled.
“Cree, please don’t tell me you hit that girl.” Layla looked at me.
“Cree please tell me you beat that bitch ass.”
“Serenity!” Kamiyah glared at her once again.
“I didn’t hit her.. she’s not the one who cheated. Why hurt her?”
“So if you didn’t hit her.. what did you do?”
“I just did what he did to me.. I trashed his shit. Every fucking shoe, every Versaci watch, every fucking picture..gone. I just don’t get what I did to him for him to do the lowest thing in the world to me. I cooked, I cleaned, I never gave my pussy away so what makes it okay for him to be slanging his dick to any and every groupie with a big ass and a smile?” I wiped eyes and sighed. “What’s wrong with me?” I looked at them.
“Aw Cree, nothing’s wrong with you we promise.” Layla laid her head on my shoulder while the others gave me sympathetic looks.
I sighed and nodded.
I felt like the girls Keyshia Cole sang about in her songs, I was just hurt. I knew I couldn’t be like this forever; I wasn’t going to be like this forever.
Serenity broke the silence,“Ya’ll lets all swear off black men.”
“I’m here for this.” Layla nodded taking a sip from glass. “Not just black men but all kinds of men.”
“But what if the man of dreams decides that he’s wants to fall from the sky.” Kamiyah asked.
“Mr. Perfect doesn’t exist, I’m convinced. Shit, Mr. Half-Decent is a figment of my imagination.”
“Let’s make pact then,” Kamiyah said. “let’s not find the man of our dreams but let him find us.”
“I like that.” I nodded in agreeance.
“Shit, I’m so here for this.” Serenity rose her glass. “To.. being found ladies.”
We all gave each other a quick glance before nodding and clinking our glasses together.
Eight hours on this nigga. I just wasted eight fucking hours on this nigga. I took another sip from my glass of wine and shook my head. Sometimes I wondered why I even did this to myself. I was young, beautiful, talented, now why was it so hard to find me a man that I could keep on my own? But that’s the question every black woman had. Why were we losing our men to someone else? What did it take for someone to love you unconditionally… without regrets?
The light taps on my apartment door interrupted my thoughts and I opened my door to smug ass look on Malachi’s face.
“You fine as hell.” He smirked as he wrapped arms around my hips.
If I even begun to tell you the story behind Malachi you’d be either want to smack me or kill him. We’ve been through it all as cliché that sounds. He was my bestfriend nowadays he was like a stranger. Well, ever since he got with that Asia bitch.
I pulled away from his embrace folding my arms in frustration, “Eight hours? Seriously? No call, no fucking text, not a fucking letter… where were you?”
“Damn, ma. A nigga couldn’t even a kiss not a hug?” He plopped down on the couch.
I cut my eyes at him and shook my eyes. “I don’t know why I even deal with your ass.” I mumbled under my breath.
He must’ve heard because he quickly got up the couch and stood in front of me.
“Don’t get smart, Lay.”
“Don’t be with her anymore, Mal.” I spat at him.
“Here you go, here you fucking go. You know right now’s a good time.”
“Then when will be? Before or after the wedding?”
I swear he doesn’t understand what he’s doing to me. Making me feel like I’m in second place and I’m not. I was here first, he was mine. It just wasn’t fair to me.
“You know the situation, babe. Please don’t act like that.” He slyly wrapped his arms around my waist and began to kiss my neck.
I rolled my eyes. A bitch was feeling like Amina Buddafly in this Peter Gunz situation. Why couldn’t the man I love just want to flaunt me? Why did I look like a side bitch on the outside looking in? It wasn’t fair to me and I sure hell don’t know how long I’m gonna be able to handle this shit.
“Baby look at me..Look at me.” His chocolate brown orbs stared at me and I became frozen. “I love you, Layla. That’ll never change nor go away. You’re mine, babygirl. I’m gonna tell her tomorrow, baby, I promise.” He stuck his pinky out.
I hesitated then wrapped my pinky around his. “You promise?”
He nodded. “I promise.”
Before I knew it we were making love and the pit of guilt that sat in my stomach grew deeper. I had heard this promise many many times before and I knew how it would always end.
I needed out of this.
In my eyes no bitch is badder than me, no bitch is better than me, and no bitch could ever be on my level. I was strong… fearless so why couldn’t I find a man like that? Why did every man that tried to step to me was beneath me? I
I arose from my bed over hearing last night’s leftovers slam my front door. Oh well, I’m just glad he knew where front door was. I put on my silk robe and made my way to the kitchen fixing me up a quick breakfast.
I guess I’m what most women call a ‘man-eater’. I find a man, get what I want, suck him dry, then devour him. It’s only nature. It had been that way ever since I started dating, I’m not taking my chance on getting my heart broken for anyone. I was content in my sexuality and with what I was doing. No harm, no foul.
Just as I began to grab a bottle of water my phone began to ring. Checking the called I.D. I smirked and shook my head.
“Morning? Serenity, it’s 1 in the afternoon. Where are you? You promised to help your sister with her last minute baby shower things.”
“That was today?” I groaned. “ Why can’t you get Anaya to do it? Why me?” I rolled my eyes.
“Because Serenity you promised your sister you would. Do you know you’re the only one of my 4 girls that’s still single? Single people need things to do. ”
“Yes because me being single has to do with everything I do.”
“It does, Serenity. I should be having grandbabies right now, you’re holding up the process.”
“Bye mom, I’ll see you soon.”
It never failed that my own mother was the main one plotting against me. I was content where I was in my life. I don’t need a man-a boy telling me what I could and couldn’t do. Life was perfect this way.
My phone began to rang again and I quickly picked up the phone.
“Babygirl.” His deep husky voice spoke.
“I miss you.” I pouted slightly. “Where’ve you been hiding?”
“Don’t worry baby, daddy’s coming home. You want some company tonight?”
Fuck, I swear his voice made my panties wet.
“Yes.” I cleared my throat trying not to so eager.
“I’ll come threw tonight..better be ready too.”
I smirked, “I’m always ready.”
“You better be.” I hung up the phone and bit my lip.
Who said being single was a bad thing?
Whatever you say babe
Peace and quiet my ass..tuh listennn.
few understand the union of woman and man
in sex and the tingle is where they’re assuming it lands
I fucking snapped. I don’t know what happened or when it happened but it did. It was going to happen eventually, it was only a matter of time honestly. I had with Micah’s shit. I couldn’t take it anymore.
"Muthafuckas wanna step out on me?" I wiped the tears that fell from red cheeks. "I think muthafuckas wanna step out on me! I’ma show this bitch what happens when you step out on me!"
I went into the closet we shared pulling everything onto the floor. Every Gucci shirt, every Armani suit, all that shit had to fucking go.
"I gave this muthafucka seven years of my life! Seven! I followed this muthafuckas every wish, catered every fucking need! At every fucking basketball game! Every fucking playoff! That bitch could never do what I fucking do!" I emptied out my soul.
The blaring of Jhene Aiko’s “Drinking and Driving” only seemed to hype me up more. I wanted to ruin him.. just like he ruined me. All of the shit he put me through, I wanted him to feel that shit.
I tossed the last Jordan into the tub. I untwisted the bottle of the industrial sized bottle of Clorox bleach onto shoes slowly, making sure I covered every lace. Smirking with satisfaction, I made my way into the next room.
"Don’t worry Cree, people don’t need to know about us. You know where we stand.. no muthfucka do you know where the fuck we stand!" I shouted as knocked down every ugly ass graffiti drawing he had up.
By then I had demolished half of the house and I truly couldn’t get a crescent of a fuck. I trashed that muthafucka just like he trashed me. I trotted my ass to the kitchen refilling my glass of Pink Moscato. I looked down at the glass, shrugged, and tossed it to the ground taking a gulp from the bottle.
Grabbing the bottle, I made my way to our bedroom. I looked over at the time he’d be home any moment and I wouldn’t. I grabbed my purse and lit me a quick cigarette. I exhaled the smoke that filled my body then made glance at the picture sat on the nightstand.
"My Micah.." I shook my head.
I took the picture out the frame and stuffed it into my pocket. I sighed deeply before making my way out the house.
I ran my fingers through Kayden’s curls as he slept peacefully. I swear the more and more he grows the more he looks like his father. I sighed at my thoughts and gently placed him in his crib.
I’d never thought I’d be a mother at this age shit, a single mother at that. Although I wouldn’t trade Kayden for the world I just wished things were differently. I wish I would’ve waited. I wish I wouldn’t have listen to his lies. I just.. want a restart.
Kayden’s father and I were together for five years before I had gotten pregnant. We spent every moment together; wherever he was, I wasn’t far along. He actually had me thinking he could’ve been the one. It wasn’t until I got pregnant he changed his whole mind. I haven’t talked to him since I was 4 months pregnant, Kayden’s about to be one in 2 months. It’s sad when you put your all into someone only to be let down and hurt.
My phone interrupted my thoughts and I quickly answered.
"Miyah, come out with us!" Serenity hollered.
I shook my head with a smile, “I can’t girl. It’s Kayden and mommy time.”
"Its always Kayden and mommy time." She mocked me. "I swear girl if you don’t leave your house soon you’ll die of boredom. You need a break."
"I’m fine. Call me back when you get home so I know you made it in safe."
"That’s if I’m not fucking. Love you, slut." She hung up.
I looked at my phone and shook my head.
I yawned as I walked into my bedroom crawling underneath the covers. I looked to my left and noticed how cold that side had become. Maybe Serenity was right? Maybe I needed to get out the house more. One thing for damn sure is I was tired of sleeping alone.
I sighed deeply before cutting out my lamp and drifting off to sleep.